A Spin on How I Look at my Testimony

For as long as I can remember God has been part of my life.  On both sides of my family Christianity goes back a couple of generations.  As a child my parents took me to church, got me involved in different children’s ministries, and taught me Christian values.  This lifestyle was all I knew and what I embraced.  When I was 4 years old I officially gave my life over to Jesus.  Obviously as a 4 year old I had a very limited understanding of what following Jesus actually meant.  I knew that God loved me and Hell was not a place I wanted to go.

At first glance my story might seem rather bland and boring, but it is quite the contrary.  Growing up in an extremely moralistic lifestyle I had troubles of my own.  Though I knew the gospel, I was not genuinely living it out.  I was actually living in opposition to it.  The gospel is something that should free me; I used it to oppress me.  You see, sin isn’t just breaking the rules; it is also placing yourself as Lord and Savior of your life.  I struggled giving God full control of my salvation.  I believed through obedience I would be able to earn part of my salvation.  I was the kid that didn’t drink, didn’t cuss, didn’t do drugs, didn’t smoke, didn’t go to parties, didn’t really do anything wrong.  Everyone viewed me as the good little Christian kid and I worked my butt off to live up to those expectations.  Unconsciously I was living for myself and not for God.  My self-righteousness became my God.  Instead of abstaining from evil as a means to glorify God, I abstained from evil to glorify myself.  I took pride in my piousness.  I knew in my heart that I was saved through God’s grace and his grace alone, yet I could not wrap my mind around that concept.  I never did anything really bad or had a falling away from God experience so part of me felt like I did not need God’s grace.  Don’t get me wrong, I know we have all sinned and fallen short of his glory and therefore need his grace.  It’s just that I know a lot people that needed a lot more grace than I did.  I mean I was a really good kid that barely slipped up. Since I struggled with this concept intellectually, I continued to live a life ruled by moral rules and standards.  The negative effect of this lifestyle was a conscience full of shame and self-hatred when I did not live up to my standards.   Unattainable standards of perfection caused me to hide my imperfections from everyone. I continued trying to live up to perfection.  Though I knew my life was in shambles I put on a façade to the outer world, even though I was internally tearing myself apart.

            As I matured spiritually and emotionally I began to get tired of constantly trying to live up to these expectations.  It’s pretty emotionally straining to live a life contaminated with shame and guilt.  There was not a specific epiphany when God’s grace became a reality for me, rather it happened over time.  Eventually I began to get a better understanding of the true impact God’s grace has in my life.  It was moving from head knowledge of knowing I needed it, to a desire for his never ceasing grace.   Coming to terms with God’s grace changes the whole way I live my life.  Though it might not look like a drastic difference on the outside, the internal change is phenomenal.  Instead of striving for a morally upright life in an attempt to earn God, I live a morally upright life because of what God has done for me.  His grace should drive my actions. 

Before being changed by a gospel of grace I did not fully comprehend the costliness and severity of my sin.  Instead, I thought morality would lessen the severity.  If I do enough right things then Jesus will not have to do as much for me.  The thing is, Jesus died as much for me as he did for Hitler.  It has taken me years to get that truth through my thick skull; no matter how hard I try I will never be perfect; I will never earn salvation.  This is the story of Jesus; this is the story of grace.  Jesus took all my sins, all my attempts to earn my own salvation, and bore it on the cross.  He died for both my moral feats and immorality.  This is the beauty of Jesus’ grace.  Not only did he save me from sins, he also saved me from myself.  Grace has begun to free me of shame and guilt.  My imperfections have become something to make me humble and vulnerable.  He has freed me from striving for an unattainable perfection.  Understanding grace causes you to understand the extensiveness of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.  I did not fully understand Jesus’ love for me until I understood his grace.  His love became so much more powerful.

            The beauty of my story, and the story of Jesus for that matter, is that salvation was not a single event that happened when I was four years old.  Rather my salvation story happens every single day.  He is redeeming and restoring every day.  My Lord and Savior is constantly saving me; in the midst of my sins, my attempts to earn salvation, and my doubts, he saves me.  Daily I fall short and daily Jesus picks me up and restores me to the righteous state he views me in. 

All this being said, I still struggle with fully embracing God’s grace.  I acknowledge the costliness of Christ’s sacrifice and the power of God’s grace, but at times my proud and selfish mind says I can do it on my own.   My arrogance takes control of my life and God’s grace seems less of a necessity.  Bottom line, none of us are worthy of his love and grace, and that is why it is a gift – something we do not deserve.  He accepts me as I am; the question is…do I?  I am focusing on getting into the mindset of Christ; I am a new creation made alive in him.

            If God, through his grace, can save a self-righteous, prideful, self-proclaimed God like me…He can truly save anyone. 

Child, you’re forgiven and LOVED!

This morning I was blessed with the opportunity to spend an extended amount of time with my Savior.  In Navigators they call it ETAWG, which stands for Extended Time Alone With God.  So we set aside about 2.5 hours this morning to have an extended quiet time.  That much time can sound intimidating; I was initially worried that I would not know what to do with that much time but I have grown to love my time and sometimes do not even feel like it is enough.  I definitely felt like God spoke to me this morning and hit my heart so I thought I would share my revelations.

I so often go to the scriptures looking at it through a lens of what can I personally get out of it and how can I apply it to my life.  I look at it through the lens of the human author and often forget that God is present in every word.  I have been encouraged to look at scripture in a different light, to look at it for what those verses say about God’s characteristics and what he values.  This morning I meditated on Psalm 23 but instead of looking at it through the lens of the human author I rewrote it as if God were literally talking to me, who is God saying he is in this psalm?  Psalm 23 says, as originally written:

‘The Lord is my shepard, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul.  He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I will fear no evil for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies.  You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.  Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.’

This is what I wrote as if Psalm 23 was written by God’s hand:

‘Beloved, I am the good shepard; I take away all your wants and desires. Child, I calm and quiet your soul as I lead you.  As I lead, I begin to restore your soul and make it new.  David, I desire you to walk in righteousness and eagerly want to guide you along that journey.  Do not fear evil or even death because I am always with you.  I have already conquered evil and death for you.  I will comfort you and protect you from harm.  I will protect you from harm by pulling you close to my side; walk with me child.  In the presence of adversaries I will protect you; come to the table and commune with me.  Beloved child, you are an heir to my throne. Commune with me and you will be satisfied.  Come and dwell in my house beloved. I will never cease loving you and showing goodness to you all the days of your life.  David, come and be with me for I will fully satisfy.’

As I begin to look at scripture in this light I really begin to see the heart of God. We are in the midst of his love story.  God truly loves us and wants be with to be with us so bad.  We cannot comprehend how much he loves us.  We truly serve an amazing God.

…

Later on, I was provided with the verse Isaiah 30:21 which says, “whether you turn right or left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, ‘This is the way, walk in it.’”  I cannot help but smile when I read that.  We serve a real God who loves us and directs us!  He is alive and speaks to us…are we taking time to listen for his whispers?

As I began to pray through this verse I begin to realize that there is no way for me to fall away from God because he is at every turn.  That kind of steadfast love is incomprehensible.  During this time I felt God speaking to me and this is what he said, “This is the way David, follow my voice and footsteps. I will walk with you and be by your side. I will never ever leave you for you are my beloved. No matter your actions you will not fall out of my love. David, do you get it…I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT! Whether you had never sinned or are the worst of sinners I love you the same.  All I want is to see you opening your heart and giving yourself to me.  Please do not hide from me anymore.  It breaks my heart when you are burdened with guilt and shame.  Do you not realize that I choose to forget your sins, why can you not do the same? David, I love you unconditionally.  You are my child yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  My arms are constantly open for you.  Come and sit on my lap so that I can comfort you.  David, please stop living in the midst of your sin.  I so badly want you to realize you are a new creation.  Do you not get that, YOU ARE A NEW CREATION! No longer are you titled sinner, so STOP living under that title. David, you are my beloved and I love you.  How badly do I want you to realize that!  I don’t care about your past.  I don’t care about the bad and even the good.  I don’t care about all the sinful acts and righteous acts you have done.  I love you all the same.  Please come to me David.  Daily I call out to you, ‘Love me David.’  Even if I do not feel your love, my love stays constant.  My son, I want you to know I am always here for you and I am full of compassion and love. I am forgiving.  Come David, live within my grace!”

Coming to the realization that I am in the middle of living out a love story with God is amazing.  His love is so hard to try and wrap my mind around me.  No matter my actions he loves me all the same! Why would you not want to serve a God like that?  He loves even those that hate him.  He loves me the same as he loves those that curse him, those that abuse others, and those that live denying his existence.  Due to this love, DO NOT LIVE IN YOUR SIN! God chooses to not remember your sin.  Through the blood of Jesus on the cross we are cleansed and purified.  Please realize that God does not want us to be burdened with our sins for Christ died to take away that burden.  We are dead to sin, so STOP living a life that says otherwise.  God is daily calling us to live out who we already are: holy and cleansed children of God.

Bottom line: Child, you are forgiven and LOVED!  Now live in the midst of our Fathers Love!

Embracing A Gospel of Grace

Growing up in the Church, the word grace was common vocabulary.  We hear it used time and time again, and through that, our mind and heart become unresponsive to it.  As I have begun to read The Ragamuffin Gospel by Brennan Manning, he has opened my eyes to the true beauty of grace and the gift that is truly is. Paul writes to the city of Ephesus, “because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive in Christ even when we were dead in our transgressions – it is through grace you have been saved,” and later he states again, “for it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is a gift of God.”  The gospel and good news, we as followers of Jesus choose to believe, is a gospel of grace.

When we realize that we are truly saved through grace, our eyes are opened to the love of Jesus.  We are broken people that use and abuse Him daily, yet He looks past that and loves us.  Time and time I again I reject Jesus and spit in his face, yet he always says, “Father, forgive him, for he knows not what he is doing.”  This grace and forgiveness are foundational to our Savior’s character.  His love is unfathomable and we are undeserving, yet he be freely gives it to us knowing that we will continue to reject him.  That, my friends, is a true love we cannot comprehend.

  As broken and sinful humans, it is so easy to judge others according to their actions and deeds, but as we understand God’s grace we must realize that we have no right to bear the name judge.  We are no better than anyone else for we have all fallen short of his glory!  Yet, though we have fallen short, He does not care.  He looks past our failures and sins to see the true beauty within.  Manning says that “whatever past achievements might bring us honor, whatever past disgraces might make us blush, all have been crucified with Christ and exist no more except in the deep recesses of eternity, where ‘good is enhanced into glory and evil miraculously established as part of the greater good.’” 

We, as humans, are so quick to elevate ourselves for our actions and diminish others for theirs, but as Manning says both our honor and disgrace are crucified with Christ.  We must look past ourselves, for we do not earn Christ or his grace on our own accord.  Everything is a gift from God, Manning goes on to state that “life itself, eyes to see and hands to touch, a mind to shape ideas, and a heart to beat with love.  We have been given God in our souls and Christ in our flesh.  We have the power to believe where others deny, to hope where others despair, to love where others hurt.  This and so much more is a sheer gift; it is not reward for our faithfulness, our generous disposition, or our heroic life of prayer.”  Furthermore, St. Augustine believes that “if we but turn to God, that itself is a gift of God.”  Even our salvation is a gift from our redeemer.  We must realize that we are deeply loved by Jesus Christ and have done nothing to deserve it, for everything is a gift.

As I learn more of God’s grace I cannot help but worship him.  ALL of us are simply beggars at the door of God’s mercy.  We are infinitely blessed with such a compassionate and loving God.  We have been given a gift we do not deserve and a gift that so many choose to never open; and that fact breaks my heart.  We must be driven as followers and ambassadors for Christ to share that gift with everyone.  We have been given the best gift anyone can ever imagine and yet we hold it tight to our heart and do not share it.  God’s gift of grace has a never ending supply.  Christians, no longer should we hold tight to this gift but share it with all who will listen.  Share God’s grace with all so that our family may increase and more people can feel the power of TRUE LOVE.  Not only should we tell of this grace, but we must also show grace.  We are human and constantly make mistakes and fall short, yet it is not our job to condemn our brothers and sisters.  Live a life of grace for others.  We must encourage one another in our walk through the good and the bad.

In Romans, Paul writes, “but however much sin increased, grace was always greater; so that as sin’s reign brought death, so grace rules through saving justice that leads to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”  We are so loved by God.  He is a redemptive God that continuously pours his grace onto us.  Sin has lost the battle and grace has won.  Grace leads us to salvation through Christ Jesus.  Many people have the thought that “I am not worthy of God’s love.  My past is too dark to be forgiven.”  Bottom line, none of us are worthy and that is why it is a gift – something we do not deserve.  He accepts us as we are; the question is…do we?  We need to focus on getting into the mindset of Christ for we are a new creation made alive in him.

Lastly, Manning states, “whatever we have done in the past, be it good or evil, great or small, is irrelevant to our stance before God today.  It is only now that we are in the presence of God.”  So, today come to the feet of our Lord and Savior, those who are weary and tried come to His feet.  Delight in His beautiful gift of Grace.