For as long as I can remember God
has been part of my life. On both sides
of my family Christianity goes back a couple of generations. As a child my parents took me to church, got
me involved in different children’s ministries, and taught me Christian
values. This lifestyle was all I knew
and what I embraced. When I was 4 years
old I officially gave my life over to Jesus.
Obviously as a 4 year old I had a very limited understanding of what
following Jesus actually meant. I knew
that God loved me and Hell was not a place I wanted to go.
At first glance my story might seem
rather bland and boring, but it is quite the contrary. Growing up in an extremely moralistic
lifestyle I had troubles of my own.
Though I knew the gospel, I was not genuinely living it out. I was actually living in opposition to it. The gospel is something that should free me;
I used it to oppress me. You see, sin
isn’t just breaking the rules; it is also placing yourself as Lord and Savior
of your life. I struggled giving God
full control of my salvation. I believed
through obedience I would be able to earn part of my salvation. I was the kid that didn’t drink, didn’t cuss,
didn’t do drugs, didn’t smoke, didn’t go to parties, didn’t really do anything
wrong. Everyone viewed me as the good
little Christian kid and I worked my butt off to live up to those
expectations. Unconsciously I was living
for myself and not for God. My
self-righteousness became my God. Instead
of abstaining from evil as a means to glorify God, I abstained from evil to
glorify myself. I took pride in my
piousness. I knew in my heart that I was
saved through God’s grace and his grace alone, yet I could not wrap my mind
around that concept. I never did
anything really bad or had a falling away from God experience so part of me felt
like I did not need God’s grace. Don’t
get me wrong, I know we have all sinned and fallen short of his glory and
therefore need his grace. It’s just that
I know a lot people that needed a lot more grace than I did. I mean I was a really good kid that barely
slipped up. Since I struggled with this concept intellectually, I continued to
live a life ruled by moral rules and standards.
The negative effect of this lifestyle was a conscience full of shame and
self-hatred when I did not live up to my standards. Unattainable standards of perfection caused
me to hide my imperfections from everyone. I continued trying to live up to
perfection. Though I knew my life was in
shambles I put on a façade to the outer world, even though I was internally
tearing myself apart.
As I
matured spiritually and emotionally I began to get tired of constantly trying
to live up to these expectations. It’s pretty
emotionally straining to live a life contaminated with shame and guilt. There was not a specific epiphany when God’s
grace became a reality for me, rather it happened over time. Eventually I began to get a better
understanding of the true impact God’s grace has in my life. It was moving from head knowledge of knowing
I needed it, to a desire for his never ceasing grace. Coming
to terms with God’s grace changes the whole way I live my life. Though it might not look like a drastic
difference on the outside, the internal change is phenomenal. Instead of striving for a morally upright
life in an attempt to earn God, I live a morally upright life because of what
God has done for me. His grace should
drive my actions.
Before being changed by a gospel of
grace I did not fully comprehend the costliness and severity of my sin. Instead, I thought morality would lessen the
severity. If I do enough right things
then Jesus will not have to do as much for me.
The thing is, Jesus died as much for me as he did for Hitler. It has taken me years to get that truth
through my thick skull; no matter how hard I try I will never be perfect; I
will never earn salvation. This is the
story of Jesus; this is the story of grace.
Jesus took all my sins, all my attempts to earn my own salvation, and
bore it on the cross. He died for both
my moral feats and immorality. This is
the beauty of Jesus’ grace. Not only did
he save me from sins, he also saved me from myself. Grace has begun to free me of shame and
guilt. My imperfections have become
something to make me humble and vulnerable.
He has freed me from striving for an unattainable perfection. Understanding grace causes you to understand
the extensiveness of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. I did not fully understand Jesus’ love for me
until I understood his grace. His love
became so much more powerful.
The beauty
of my story, and the story of Jesus for that matter, is that salvation was not
a single event that happened when I was four years old. Rather my salvation story happens every
single day. He is redeeming and
restoring every day. My Lord and Savior
is constantly saving me; in the midst of my sins, my attempts to earn salvation,
and my doubts, he saves me. Daily I fall
short and daily Jesus picks me up and restores me to the righteous state he
views me in.
All this being said, I still
struggle with fully embracing God’s grace.
I acknowledge the costliness of Christ’s sacrifice and the power of
God’s grace, but at times my proud and selfish mind says I can do it on my own.
My arrogance takes control of my life
and God’s grace seems less of a necessity.
Bottom line, none of us are worthy of his love and grace, and that is
why it is a gift – something we do not deserve.
He accepts me as I am; the question is…do I? I am focusing on getting into the mindset of
Christ; I am a new creation made alive in him.
If God,
through his grace, can save a self-righteous, prideful, self-proclaimed God
like me…He can truly save anyone.
