A Spin on How I Look at my Testimony

For as long as I can remember God has been part of my life.  On both sides of my family Christianity goes back a couple of generations.  As a child my parents took me to church, got me involved in different children’s ministries, and taught me Christian values.  This lifestyle was all I knew and what I embraced.  When I was 4 years old I officially gave my life over to Jesus.  Obviously as a 4 year old I had a very limited understanding of what following Jesus actually meant.  I knew that God loved me and Hell was not a place I wanted to go.

At first glance my story might seem rather bland and boring, but it is quite the contrary.  Growing up in an extremely moralistic lifestyle I had troubles of my own.  Though I knew the gospel, I was not genuinely living it out.  I was actually living in opposition to it.  The gospel is something that should free me; I used it to oppress me.  You see, sin isn’t just breaking the rules; it is also placing yourself as Lord and Savior of your life.  I struggled giving God full control of my salvation.  I believed through obedience I would be able to earn part of my salvation.  I was the kid that didn’t drink, didn’t cuss, didn’t do drugs, didn’t smoke, didn’t go to parties, didn’t really do anything wrong.  Everyone viewed me as the good little Christian kid and I worked my butt off to live up to those expectations.  Unconsciously I was living for myself and not for God.  My self-righteousness became my God.  Instead of abstaining from evil as a means to glorify God, I abstained from evil to glorify myself.  I took pride in my piousness.  I knew in my heart that I was saved through God’s grace and his grace alone, yet I could not wrap my mind around that concept.  I never did anything really bad or had a falling away from God experience so part of me felt like I did not need God’s grace.  Don’t get me wrong, I know we have all sinned and fallen short of his glory and therefore need his grace.  It’s just that I know a lot people that needed a lot more grace than I did.  I mean I was a really good kid that barely slipped up. Since I struggled with this concept intellectually, I continued to live a life ruled by moral rules and standards.  The negative effect of this lifestyle was a conscience full of shame and self-hatred when I did not live up to my standards.   Unattainable standards of perfection caused me to hide my imperfections from everyone. I continued trying to live up to perfection.  Though I knew my life was in shambles I put on a façade to the outer world, even though I was internally tearing myself apart.

            As I matured spiritually and emotionally I began to get tired of constantly trying to live up to these expectations.  It’s pretty emotionally straining to live a life contaminated with shame and guilt.  There was not a specific epiphany when God’s grace became a reality for me, rather it happened over time.  Eventually I began to get a better understanding of the true impact God’s grace has in my life.  It was moving from head knowledge of knowing I needed it, to a desire for his never ceasing grace.   Coming to terms with God’s grace changes the whole way I live my life.  Though it might not look like a drastic difference on the outside, the internal change is phenomenal.  Instead of striving for a morally upright life in an attempt to earn God, I live a morally upright life because of what God has done for me.  His grace should drive my actions. 

Before being changed by a gospel of grace I did not fully comprehend the costliness and severity of my sin.  Instead, I thought morality would lessen the severity.  If I do enough right things then Jesus will not have to do as much for me.  The thing is, Jesus died as much for me as he did for Hitler.  It has taken me years to get that truth through my thick skull; no matter how hard I try I will never be perfect; I will never earn salvation.  This is the story of Jesus; this is the story of grace.  Jesus took all my sins, all my attempts to earn my own salvation, and bore it on the cross.  He died for both my moral feats and immorality.  This is the beauty of Jesus’ grace.  Not only did he save me from sins, he also saved me from myself.  Grace has begun to free me of shame and guilt.  My imperfections have become something to make me humble and vulnerable.  He has freed me from striving for an unattainable perfection.  Understanding grace causes you to understand the extensiveness of Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross.  I did not fully understand Jesus’ love for me until I understood his grace.  His love became so much more powerful.

            The beauty of my story, and the story of Jesus for that matter, is that salvation was not a single event that happened when I was four years old.  Rather my salvation story happens every single day.  He is redeeming and restoring every day.  My Lord and Savior is constantly saving me; in the midst of my sins, my attempts to earn salvation, and my doubts, he saves me.  Daily I fall short and daily Jesus picks me up and restores me to the righteous state he views me in. 

All this being said, I still struggle with fully embracing God’s grace.  I acknowledge the costliness of Christ’s sacrifice and the power of God’s grace, but at times my proud and selfish mind says I can do it on my own.   My arrogance takes control of my life and God’s grace seems less of a necessity.  Bottom line, none of us are worthy of his love and grace, and that is why it is a gift – something we do not deserve.  He accepts me as I am; the question is…do I?  I am focusing on getting into the mindset of Christ; I am a new creation made alive in him.

            If God, through his grace, can save a self-righteous, prideful, self-proclaimed God like me…He can truly save anyone.